Negative                                                           

• Pride – Why is it that we speak of others?  To elevate ourselves and feel superior?                    

• Rebellion – Why should they..?                                                                     

• Criticism & Judgement                                              

• The trained moral conscience – the trained moral consciencewill prompt us, confirming and encouraging.

• Desires of the heart – when the Spirit of God is working inour heart, our desires will be His.

• Requirements of the law are written on their     hearts. Romans 2:15 – Motivating to do right.

Gossip masquerades as:

• Concern

• News

• Prayer needs                       

• Anger               
  
• Comparison      
  
• Jealousy                      
  
• Bitterness
• Hurt                 
  
• Avoidance        
  
• Contempt                     
  
• Lack of regard
• Lack of self control

Strangely, these are all results of gossip also.

How Gossip Feeds Us

Proverbs 29:18a Where there is no revelationthe people cast off restraint.

Without understanding God’s ways we rush ahead in our own feelings and strength. So often when something happens our first thought is to wonder “who can I talk to” rather than going before God and talking to Him.  If the problem being discussed is our own, then what are the reasons weprefer to speak to a friend than go to God first?

• Because we get INSTANT answers from a friend.  (We probably have to wait for answers if wego to God)

• Desperation and loneliness. What is the motive?  To get realhonest answers or comforting lies?

• It is EASIER than going to God.  (We don’t like to wait)

• You don’t have to be as honest with a friend as with God.After all... they only know what YOU choose to tell them.

• Friends will comfort, telling us what we want to hear inorder to make us FEEL better.

• We prefer to let off steam than go through the discomfort ofdealing with the subject properly.

What is the talk feeding in us if the situation being discussed is not our own,

• Feeds our pride/rebellion etc. (Heart of man)

• We feel good to be confided in.

• We feel good letting others know we have been confided in.

• It affirms our own prejudices/ feelings / dislikes of another.

• We would usually only discuss the faults of another that we ourselvesdo not hold. This is comparing the weakness of another to a strength (or untested area) of our own. By deflating another we inflate ourselves

Romans 12:3  Do not think ofyourselves more highly than you ought.

GOSSIP AND THE LISTENER                                                                                                                                 Heather

Spiritual babies require others to fix/ supply their ‘needs’.

1 Cor 3:1-4  Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly.- mere infants in Christ. I  gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarrelling among you are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?

Ladies it’s time to grow up.  It’s time to put away some childish things.  Lets move on to the meat of the Word and stop merely craving the milk.

What are we to do when others come tous to gossip?

A listener can be just as bad.

 Proverbs 17:4  A wicked man listens to evil lips; a liar pays attention to a malicious tongue.

Why does scripture call a listener aliar?  Because there is falsehood goingon inside the heart and lying to yourself.

Proverbs 18: 8  A fool’s mouth is his undoing and his lips are asnare to his soul. The words of gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.

 

Proverbs 18:17  The first to present his case seems right, till another comes along and  questions him.

If you’ve ever watched a movie with acourt scene where the lawyers are presenting their final arguments you’ll understand this scripture right away. The first to speak seems so convincing you have no idea what the other lawyer could possibly say to change the minds of the jury.  Also we see this principle in action everyday with our children.  One comes running with a story to tell – I’ll hazard a guess that there have been many children wrongly chastised when parents did not seek the other side of the story!

Thisis indeed what happens when we listen to gossip.  We make judgements about people that affects the way we work out our relationship with them.

Sometimes we think we’ve done someone a favour by giving them a listening ear. BUT, what is the motive for listening?

Is it to be “in the know”?

If we are listening without hearing the‘other side’ our perceptions, opinions and in the end our manner towards  the other will be affected.

1 Tim 5:4  Do not entertain an accusation against anelder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses.

Proverbs 18:15   The heart of the discerning acquiresknowledge, the ears of  the wise seek itout.

 

Proverbs 18:17 Thefirst to present his case seems right, till another comes along and questions him.

Wehad a situation where our family was the subject of some gossip some time ago.  While we were aware of several involved, only one individual ever contacted us to hear what we actually had to say on the matter.  To this day relationships are affected (like the filled in tooth) because of information people think they have.

So, don’t assume you KNOW something because you have heard one side of it.

Triangling                                                                                                                                                                        Joan

Be very careful about being brought inas the third (or seventh or twelfth) party asked to solve an issue that did not involve you.  Send the information backdown the line to the origin.  We must go directly to the brother concerned.

The Accuracy of Information?                                                                                                                                 Heather

•     Chinese whispers

•     Perspectives – you can make a totally innocent remark that someone else will filter throught their own understandingchanging the meaning or intent of what you actually said.  Now you can’t be expected to mind read, butit is a caution to make every effort to communicate and understand clearly.

•     Truth is not one side or the other, but ameshing of the two. (like the warp and weft threads of fabric woven together)

Ps 34:13 Keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from speaking lies.

1 Peter 3:9-12  Do not repayevil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, for to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, Whoever would love life and see  good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He  must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and persue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

Don’t we all want the Lord’s face turned towards us?

Evil is evil and lies are lies whether you knew it or not when you said it. The issue is less the knowledge of accuracy and more the passing on of information or hearsay.

THERESULTS                                                                                                                                                                Joan

Theresults of perverse talk (All Biblical)

•     Pride

•     Offence

•     Loss of reputation

•     Jealousies

•     Anger

•     Strife

•     Factions

•     Dissention

•     Loss of trust

•     Broken friendships

•     Betrayal

Forthe eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer,but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. 1 Peter 3

We align ourselves with evil when we get involved with this kind of talk.

All of these can also be motivators of perverse talk.  There is a cyclic cause andeffect.

Proverbs 6:16-19  There are six things the Lord hates,seven that are detestable to him:        haughtyeyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up    dissention among brothers.

 

Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissention and agossip separates close friends.

                   Proverbs 20: 19   A gossip betraysa confidence, so avoid a man whotalks too much.

Defenition of Confidence

•     Full trust. Belief in the trustworthiness or reliability of the person or thing.

•     A secret or private matter, not to be divulged to others

•     Certitude or assured expectation

Lying

If lying as a child was an issue foryou, it may still be so now.  If we just even give the tone or implication a tweak, we lie. 

Specifically Children                                                                                                                                                Heather

In preparing for this session I debated whether or not to say some of the things I have done regarding the effects inmy own life of being gossipped about.  I decided I would go ahead to serve as an illustration to you.  Some of you by now are no doubt wonderingwhat it was all about… This is my point precisely!  There is something appealing in the possibility of some unknown juicy bits isn’t there?

Being real about our kids but granting them dignity. 

As we go about building relationships with people that really count for something, we do try to be real and authentic with each other.  (Or we should.)  By no means do I desire to create the impression for you that I or my family am perfect – firstly ‘coz it’s just nottrue and it only serves to make you uncomfortable with me, totally conflicting with the goal of relationship.  When weare real with one another about our struggles it keeps us accessible and a lot less scary to others!  Sometimes however we are called to make a choice.  And the choice to honour rises above using our fallen human nature and the reality ofour difficulties as a means to build relationship.  I’m not saying we can never talk about ourstruggles – just to be careful!  For instance, if there is a decision that you have made as a couple that is going to put you in a bad light with somebody else, it is a very easy thing to blameyour husband!   “Well Rod decided such and such…” keeps me in a better light but itis not honouring to him!  It’s not even truthful!  So we have to weigh the priorities.  We need to honour our husbands over the need to ‘stay in good’ with a friend. 

Sure we need to be real about our kids failings but we also need to leave them with some dignity.  We don’t need to leave them stripped bare in front of other people.

Criticism of the children of others will bring the spotlightback on yours.  

This is something that as course facilitators Rod and I have heard a lot! People get a bit of knowledge and understanding about family dynamics and children’s behaviour and then want to spread their knowledge to those concerned.  People really labour over‘should I say anything?? Should I not??” Over and over Gary says to just let your family be the witness. If people ask you, you can say, but we are not to be the parent police!  Even if you think you can handle criticism, your children shouldn’t have to. People will be waiting for them to fail in order to counter your criticism of their children.

Speaking of your child’s faults with an unwisely chosen person can have the same result.

You build a negative expectation of your child that the other will be quick to notice. I have made a personal decision not to discuss difficulties with our own children with my own peers who have children of same age.  Why?  Because I want the advice of someone further down the road than me. Plus I don’t want to have confided in someone who will naturally assume the worst of my child if an issue arises between mine and their child. Of course there are qualifiers to these statements.  There may be someone younger in years who hadd emonstrated trustworthiness and maturity that you might go to!  I just offer these as thoughts to help youthink through this area.  Also my dear Auntie Jenny once gave me a bit of advice on this front.  It was simply never to discuss your child’sissues with someone who can’t or doesn’t love them.  Phew, I wish I’d known that one years ago. 

Children also gossip. We must be diligent to teach themdiscretion.

• They can be gossiping when running toyou to tell on siblings.  Ask  them “have you talked about it with ............ yet? Refuse to be drawn in. If they go and fail, be their witness and go with them.

• Don’t permit gossip of school friends. They are not present to defend themselves. Hear what is needed and learn to discern when to stop their chatter.

• Tales from school in front of siblings should be discouraged.

WHAT THEN SHOULD WE DO?

By now, we should all agree that many ofthe ways we have been used in communicating are sinful. So what are we to do with knowledge that does need action,or for godly counsel for ourselves.

There is a Biblical model to follow.

First be sure of your motive. Are you just wanting to “let off steam”? Do you genuinely want counsel? Are you prepared that the counsel may not be pleasing to you?

James 5:16says to confess our faults one to another so that you can pray.

•     We confess OUR OWN faults

•     We confess for the purpose of PRAYER. Why? For accountability sake and to release God's power through agreement in prayer (Matthew 18:19)

When we do speak we should keep the issue separate from the person. Remembering the principles of:

•     Speaking truth in love.

•     Loving the sinner but hating the sin.

•     Enquiring rather than accusing.  And keeping the confidences of others all thewhile

Prov 25:7b-10   What you have seen with your own eyes do not bring hastily to court for what will youdo in the end if your neighbour puts youto shame? If you argue your case with a neighbour, do  not betray another man’s confidence or he whohears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation.

Go to Your Brother

Gossip is NOT LEGITIMISED by you having been wronged.

Biblical model:

Mathew 5:24  Therefore if you are offering your gift atthe altar and you remember that your brother has something againstyou, leave your gift there in front of the alter. First go and be reconciled to yourbrother; then come and offer your gift.

 

Matthew 18:15     If your brother sins against you go and showhim his fault...(it’s worth reading the rest!)

Regardless of where the perceived faultlies, all members of Christ’s body are responsible before God to be active in maintaining, promoting and pursuing peace.

If beyond this, counsel is still required consider the following.

• Speak to a believer rather than an unbeliever.  See 2 Cor 6:14  For what fellowship can light have with darkness?

• The older women in Titus 2 are instructed to teach theyounger women to love their husbands and children. Choose someone further downthe road than you in terms of faith, wisdom and/or experience.

• Choose someone whose esteem of the other party will not beaffected or changed. Someone unknown to the other  party or someone with proven honour.

If a friend fits these descriptions,remember she is one with her husband - not you. Don’t require her to keep secrets from him for you. If this stops you from sharing with her...so be it. Choose someone else whose husband fits the Titus model also.

Prov 17:3 (AMPLIFIED)  Roll yourworks upon the Lord (commit and trust them wholly to Him; He   will cause yourthoughts to become agreeable to Hiswill, and) so shall your plans be established and succeed.

SoYou’ve Messed Up?

Well join the club!

•     Repentance - Get before God

•     Forgiveness - Get before the right people

•     Restoration -

Proverbs: 16:6-7  Through love and faithfulness sin is atonedfor; through the fear of the Lord a man avoids evil. When a man’s waysare pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

Proverbs: 30:32-33  If you have played the fool and exalted yourself,or if you have planned evil, clap your hand over your mouth!

Howcan we avoid gossip in the future?

• Stay Busy!

Proverbs 10: 18-19   He whoconceals his hatred has lying lips and whoever spreads slander is a fool.  When words are many, sin is notabsent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 31:26-27    She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the breadof idleness.

• Be proactive. Talk to those with whom you have unhealthy patterns away from a time of potential conflict. The spirit of a friendship doesn’t usually change...that means that whatever foundation you built a friendship upon, that is likely to remain the same unless you takeactive steps to make it different
  
• Don’t pry. Be content not to know. And don’t mistake the prying for genuine concernfor you!!!

• Don’t discuss ‘anonymous’ friends.  Orthose not known to each other. You never know...they may meet one day!

• Go to the source and check it out.

There are many wounded people among us.Wounded from some major life issues. There are people whose lives have become coffee table conversation due to separation, divorce, adultery etc. They are tender and raw. Their or their partners most intimate details disclosed and displayed. We need to treat these emotionally wounded people with the same care as the physically wounded. Let them heal.

Being“Real” but honouring too

• It is mostly possible to do both. I didn’tsay it was easy. Learn how to keep quiet when asked for inappropriate information.

• For the times that we cannot do both, we must make a choice in priorities. Will we obey the command to honour or not? Wemay still build relationships with others, refraining from a story or twobecause we choose God over others.

• If you are hurting, but disclosure would hurt another, you can say something like “Thanks for asking, no I’m not OK. I’m not free to talk about it but please pray for me.”

• We must honour our husbands away from their presence as much as in it. Does the way you speak of him to your friends honour him?

You just keep doing what you know to do before God.

1 Peter 2:12  Live such good lives among the pagans, thatthough they accuse you of doing wrong they may see your good deedsand glorify God on the day He visits us.

The following verse is not to be used as an excuse for not wanting to restore relationships! However, sometimes restoration is either not possible or not possible in our time table.

Romans 12:17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right inthe eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as itdepends on you, live at peace with everyone.“

There are also people God actuallytells us not to have anything to do with.

Prov 12:26   A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the wayof the wicked leads them astray.

Prov 13:20   He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companionof fools suffers harm.

Prov 14:7    Stay away froma foolish man,  for you will not findknowledge on his lips.

Prov 20:19   A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid a man who talks too much.

Prov 18:24   A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Prov 22:10  Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrelsand insults are ended.

Prov 22: 24-25  Do not make friends with a hot tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.

2 Tim 3:3-5  People will belovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful,unholy,  without love, unforgiving,slanderous, withoutself-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

Conclusion                                                                                                                                                                   Joan

Prov 24:3-4   By wisdom a house is built and through understanding it is established. Through knowledgeit’s rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

Prov 24:14  Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Gossip cuts us off from relationship.  Lets go after lady wisdom which is sweet to the soul.  Let’s make the choices that lead down the road of peace.

Heavenly Father wethank you

that Jesus has set the example for us

and that you love uswith an everlasting love.

We pray that wisdom in our souls

will help us build homes filled with beautiful treasures,

- homes with a hope and a future.

Father we commit ourselves to you.

Please remind us how dependant we are on you.

Gossip:

•     Anything to anyone that is not a part of the solution

•     Anything that you wouldn’t say to the person’s face

•     Idle talk especially about the affairs of others

•     Light, familiar talk or writing

•     To go about tattling (children!!!)

Slander

•     Defamation

Slanderer (Vines)

•     One who accuses falsely

•     Fault finding in the demeanour and conductof others and spreading their innuendo’s and criticisms in the church.

Difference between the two words.

•     Gossip is/may betrue

•     Slander is morelikely untrue. (Conjecture, conclusions, innuendo.)

Perverse

•     Willfully determined or disposed to go counter to what is expected or desired.

•     Contrary

•     Wayward, cantankerous

•     Persistent or obstinate in what is wrong

•     Turned away from what is right, good ,proper.

Loyalty. (Truth and love in action)

Honour

•     High public esteem

•     High respect as for worth, merit, rank.

•     To hold in honour, high respect. revere.

Confidence

•     Full trust. Belief in the trustworthiness or reliability of the person or thing.

•     A secret or private matter, not to be divulged to others

Malice